My mother is a very religious and conservative women.  She intended to have my siblings and myself completely devoted to her belief system and enjoy every step of the way.  My mother began as a bible student back when I was in middle school.  She later became a regular bible student and began going to church like an addict.  My siblings and I were not very enthusiastic about the whole idea, however I noticed that her life had changed.  Compared to her past demons, this was a positive for her.  Because of my mother’s shaky past, this religion saved her life in every way it could.  Spiritually, physically and psychologically.  This is one thing that I do appreciate religion doing for her, she was not a happy and stable women before this.

My mother became so involved in her church that her children, who once were her main focus, now became her third chore.  Religion, saving others, then her children.  The needs her children had, had become alien to her as she expected us to behave the way her religion wanted us to behave.  She believed religion should rule us and from then on we would be able to act and behave as expected.  I had lost my mother to this construction of dominance created by society (religion).  I respect everyone who believes in religion, however for me, this has become very hard to understand.  Religion was, in some cases, created to control and dominate individuals.  We can see that in the forced conversion of many peoples around the world.

My mother is happy, or appears to be happy, and I am an onlooker who watches her and feels so detached from her.  It’s like watching a television character.  From my teenage years, my mother was not there for me.  I was expected to read books in order to understand my development.  I did not have private talks with my mother and when things were getting out of hand, she felt that saying “I do love you” would change things, no surprise that it did not.  It felt artificial.  My mother found herself and I lost myself in the process.  I now have come to terms with myself and accept my mother in any way.  I guess I always wanted her to be happy when I was a child, I just did not think she would leave us behind.