In Guadalupe the Sex Goddess, Sandra Cisneros talks about how some women often go on without a sexual identity because they are made oblivious to everything having to do with sexual relations. Cisneros recognizes that Chicanas and Latinas are pressured into a life of marriage and motherhood, and that they are also taught to believe that sexual intercourse cannot happen for pleasure. She notes, “my culture locked me in a double chastity belt of ignorance and vergüenza, shame.” Chicanas and Latinas are caught in between a paradox, a culture of denial – We are chastised for pregnancy out of wedlock, but we are not taught the means by which we are supposed to avoid that.
          When I was in tenth grade, my best friend at the time gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I was made the godmother who would look after her in case anything happened. It was like playing house, except that there was a real child to look after. My best friend was only fifteen at the time, and her boyfriend was fourteen. He was convinced that he was going to become a professional baseball player so everyday after school (he was in ninth grade) he would go to the nearest park to play baseball with his friends. I told my friend to apply for welfare so she could at least receive food stamps (note, neither of them were old enough to hold jobs) but she told me that her boyfriend’s mother advised against it – of course! the child support would come from her pocket.
          My best friend left her boyfriend, moved into a single, and worked her first job at a fast-food restaurant while trying to attain her GED. We all thought she was walking on the right path until she started dating again. It didn’t take long for her to become pregnant again. I was really disappointed, even more so when I learned that she had several abortions performed since she gave birth to her first child. I wasn’t made godmother to the second child because I was too involved in my own high school things to focus on something like that. I lost touch with my friend shortly after that, and I haven’t spoken to her in about four years.
          Cisneros discusses the negative effects that our culture of denial can often have on teenage girls. She gives herself as an example, admitting that she would have mistaken sex for love because she wasn’t taught any better. Could that have been the case with my friend? Did she mistake sex for love?

“I remember wanting to be fearless like the white women around me, to be able to have sex when I wanted, but I was too afraid to explain to a would-be lover how I’d only had one other man in my life and we’d practiced withdrawal. Would he laugh at me? How could I look anyone in the face and explain why I couldn’t go see a gynecologist?”

          This is an excerpt from Guadalupe the Sex Goddess but I feel like I could take these words from Cisneros and claim them as my own. I knew a guy through one of my ex-boyfriends, and for the longest he thought I was still dating my ex-boyfriend. When he found out I was single, he didn’t hesitate to ask me if I wanted to have sex with him. I said no, and he asked why not. How was I supposed to explain to him that the culture I grew up in didn’t make it okay for me to have an active sex life until after marriage? I would maybe consider it if we were dating or something – but that is very naive of me, thinking that every boy is interested in a romantic relationship. I didn’t bother explaining my anxieties to him because he was Anglo-American, born and raised in Massachusetts amongst other Anglo-Americans. There was no way he was going to understand the culture of denial I was raised in, the culture that bounded me to chastity. Besides, I didn’t want to sound stupid. He would have thought I was making it up, since there are Chicanas and Latinas my age who have no problem with casual sex. I’m glad those girls are empowered, unrestrained from the chains that hold Chicanas and Latinas accountable to a life that is supposed to resonate that of La Virgen de Guadalupe.
          I sometimes stupidly wonder what would have happened if I had taken that guy up on his offer. How stupid would I have seemed in comparison the other girls that had laid in that bed before me? And – here’s a kicker – what would have happened if I had gotten pregnant? How would I tell him? Would he have even cared? I sometimes imagine what my life would be like if my undergraduate career were cut short, and I was taken away to Washington to meet a huge family of Anglo-Americans who were practically already my in-laws. I think I would be miserable, to be honest. Why do I have such silly thoughts?
          I highly encourage you to read Guadalupe the Sex Goddess by Sandra Cisneros. The full version of the text can be found here.