Here is the second installment to my personal narrative on my first-gen experience. To find the first installment, click here.
March 15, 2014
It was never something new to me.
I noticed it the first day I entered one of my major classes and saw a sea made up of golden hair and skin that was lighter than mine. Not that my skin is dark (I am often mistaken for being a mix of “white” and “Asian”), but entering the classroom immediately made me feel as though I might as well be wearing a stereotypical sombrero y botas. I shouldn’t have felt such gap between my classmates and myself. After all, in high school I was often the only Latina in all of my AP and honors classes.
I didn’t experience culture shock when I first stepped onto campus. Everyone talks about it, but I didn’t see it. On the contrary, I saw the opposite: a saw more Latinos on one campus than I had ever seen. My middle school was primarily white, whereas my elementary and high schools were both primarily Korean. So to go to a school and find out—not to mention see—that the Latino population is almost 25%, I wasn’t struck by differences but rather similarities.
At least, that was my first impression.
My major is one that I have come to call a “Privilege Major.” It is not one where people know exactly what you can do with. Whenever I tell someone that I’m majoring in English the first question I get is, “Oh. Are you going to teach?”
No.
I may eventually want to be a professor but that does not mean that is the only thing I can do with my major. I could’ve decided to go into law, government, advertising, public relations, etc. the only reason I didn’t was for the simple fact that they did not attract me. It may sound naïve to some, but I truly believe in doing something that I love as my career. I don’t want to suffer and dread each passing day as I go to work. If I only have one life, why am I going to waste it and make memories of moments that I dreaded rather than enjoyed?
But that’s beside the point and a rant for another day. Back to the point: because English is a major that not many know exactly what to do with it aside from teaching, I noticed that there are very few minority and first-gen students in my classes.
As if I needed another rift from my peers.
They would talk. They’d talk of how their parents encouraged them to pursue this degree as opposed to a law one; or of how they were advised to minor in bio because it would look much more appealing to med school as opposed to majoring in bio and taking the “traditional” route. The most my mom advised me on about choosing my major was always along the lines of choosing something that I liked.
My dad was a different story.
The very first thing that my dad told me in terms of choosing a major was “make sure it will leave you money.” Evidently the notion of me following my “dreams” was not much of an option. Although, looking back I know it wasn’t with the mal-intention of discouraging me but rather trying to avoid a repeat of events. Financial security for their children is every parent’s worry after all.
It’s just too bad that in his eyes, the only majors and career paths that are guaranteed to leave me money are business, finance, real estate (he especially pushed for this one), and anything in the sciences so I could become a doctor or nurse. Everything that I did consider at some point in my life but… how could I pursue them when I had my life epiphany when I was in fifth grade? (Earlier if you read my first grade and kindergarten journals that claim my lifetime goal.) It’s not as though I didn’t try. I got my real estate license to appease him; I did look into business programs. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find a spark with it.
My passion was, is, with words. It always has been.
Not that my dad was too happy about it. When I finally told him that I was officially going into every university I apply to as an English major the first question out of his mouth was: “what are you going to do with that?” Even after telling him my plan, he wasn’t convinced. Especially when I wanted to go to LMU.
“Why are you going to pay 50k to study something that might not even leave you half that?”
We rarely talk about it.
So when I hear my classmates talk about their own parents’ knowledge on the importance of English I can’t help but feel the tinge of jealousy tugging at my heartstrings. To have been told just exactly what I can do with literature would’ve definitely made my decision a lot easier without the side of guilt.
But I think the fact that so many of classmates have had this luxury that my professor felt it appropriate to say: “I’m sure most of you have had servants so you understand—the lower, working classes are the ones that know the secrets of the upper class.”
We were discussing Julius Caesar, I think, of the power of the lower class and the secrets they can find because of their access to upper class’ “hidden files.” While I understand that my professor said “most” I could still feel myself get on the defensive. Especially when, as I looked around my class, a lot were nodding and even laughing.
I understand, it is LMU, a school that is primarily made up of those that are well off economically, but this surge of annoyance at the ignorance was literally pounding through my veins like a can of Monster. As I walked throughout the school, I couldn’t help but suddenly pick up on this topics discussed amongst my peers. Topics surrounding crucial decisions as to whether to spend spring break in either Cabo or Aspen; or how parents don’t understand that not going home for the holidays is essential for the growing student. Never have I seen the tide so wide. I always felt that I connected with everyone in at least one way, but when I would hear everyone talk it was like a new foreign language that I had to learn quickly lest my own “white cover” be blown.
But some languages just never get tied to your tongue no matter how long you practice.
Wow! I found many aspects of your blog post to be very relatable to myself. I am English major as well, and I definitely understand what you mean when you say the first thing almost anyone asks is “if you want to teach.” As if teaching is the only career one can embark on with an English major. The main reason why I chose to be an English major is because English was always my favorite subject up until I graduated high school. I couldn’t see myself being a business major, a science major, a philosophy major, or any other major for that matter. I see it as this: I may not know what I want to do, but I definitely know what I DON’T want to do. My parents didn’t fully understand either what an English major could possibly do with a degree. My dad is a mechanical engineer and my mom is an electrical engineer. It has never been easy to converse with them about our academic interests. My mother is a second generation Mexican-American, and she didn’t attend college at all. She only became lucky with her job because she was at the right place at the right time, and because she had family friends in the engineering field. And although this campus is considerably small, there are many, many students with a wide range of attitudes and personalities that are bound to match with yours. I can definitely agree with the common thread of pretentious people at this school, and I have always been a firm believer in the fact that “just because your parents have a lot of money, it doesn’t mean that you have a lot of money.” I think a lot of people like to show off their material objects even though they did absolutely nothing to obtain it for themselves. Furthermore, I think your story is very important as I am very assured that there are many other students on this campus and in the English department that will relate to your experiences. I know I did!
Your writing style is beautiful! You have successfully captured the essence of what so many of us also feel but find difficult to express. I found so much of my own experiences interwoven with yours. I came in to the university as a Computer Science major, and immediately added on an Economics major only weeks into my first semester of college. It didn’t take long before I realized that I wasn’t where I was meant to be, but I was really shaken by the thought of having to find myself once more. I am a Spanish & Chicana/o Studies double major and I am very proud of that; but having to introduce myself has never been easy and, sadly, I don’t think it will ever get any better. The most common reaction is “What are you going to do with that?” I think most people assume all I could possibly do is teach – which isn’t a bad thing, teachers have a very honorable profession; but you and I both know that it goes beyond that. The questions have been coming up a lot recently, given that I’m days away from graduation and about ready to put my degrees into practice. I’m going to serve as a full-time volunteer in Quito, Ecuador for the 2014-2015 year, but somehow people aren’t satisfied with that. I have a friend who was recently hired as a Civil Engineering Assistant for the Department of Public Works with a starting salary of near 65K. I am very happy for him, but I can’t stand having to explain my post-graduation plans while he is standing beside me. I give my response, and the person we’re talking to immediately brushes off my response and launches into a full conversation about how great the work he will be doing will be. I think the problem is that we, as a society, have been conditioned to have this very unfair, linear, one-dimensional view of success. I’ll expand in my next comment…
In “School Reform and the Attack on Public Education,” Stratman (1998) notices a disconnect between what our public education system offers its students andwhat the corporate economy demands of its constituents. “‘What are we educating our students for?’ The choices come down to two: We can either prepare our young people for unrewarding jobs in an unequal and undemocratic society, or we can prepare them to understand their world and change it.” When I read this, I immediately thought to the disconnect that exists between students in the College of Science and Engineering and the students in the College of Liberal Arts at our school. I started off as a Computer Science major before making my transition to Spanish & Chicana/o Studies, so I’ve had the opportunity to witness this disconnect firsthand. It became most noticeable to me, though, when I took the position of Internal Chair for MEChA de LMU and began actively recruiting students for Chicana/o Studies. The students who’ve chosen majors within the College of Science and Engineering don’t find value in an interdisciplinary liberal arts education. They either don’t believe that the material covered in our classes is relevant to their lives or they do not see a direct path to financial security in the career opportunities available to them with a liberal arts degree. In a study that examined the correlation between campus involvement and social awareness in students at LMU, Lauren Cullen, Alyana Roxas, and Pamela Gonzalez attempted to answer the question, “What is the proper role of a Catholic university in forming ethical leaders for society? Is it simply to train competent students for successful careers, or should there be an ‘added value’ to a Catholic education in providing a supportive platform in order to inspire students to develop into agents of social change?” Their research findings demonstrate that a higher degree of campus involvement leads to a higher level of social consciousness. Furthermore, the students in the College of Science and Engineering appeared to possess a significantly lower level of social consciousness as opposed to their counterparts in the College of Liberal Arts. Based on these findings and on my own observations, it seems that the appropriate response to the question that Stratman poses is this: the purpose of education is to prepare young adults to feed into a unbreakable power structure that encourages personal gain through selfish motives and does not allocate attention to disenfranchised and marginalized groups of people. I, personally, would find a greater reward in an opportunity that would allow me to utilize my knowledge to assist a community with a need created through structural and systematic flaws as opposed to, let’s say, one that would guarantee me financial security. And there’s my little rant for you (: